Happy New Years [eve] !

A retrospect on a zenoful 2025 year!
⚠︎ TRIGGER WARNING !! For suicide discussion.

2025, at least the later half, has been an absolute blast.
Which honestly, I wasn't expecting since the first few months was like experiencing hell on earth! But this has genuinely been one of my best years that I can recall in a long time, and this time it's not even a "it's been a good year if you exclude [literally everything]"

I have a feeling I'll be embarrassed and want to delete this post later, but I've been wanting to share this for a while. I am kinda embarrassed while writing this, lol.

Admittedly, I've lost a little interest in it. Do I plan to drop it? Hell no. I still love my OCs, it's just that I made MAL:CHR as a young mentally ill kid projecting all of my young mentally ill problems. I'm embarrassed a little. Because I realized my OCs didn't really click with me too much when I was actually feeling good. I had this issue last year, where I was so desperate to keep making stuff of my OCs that I would purposely make myself feel worse. It's silly to think about now.

I still have OCs I love using, like Corbin, Mattias, Noe, Lucie... Some I love still without caring much about their story anymore, like Elodie and Candytuft. I want to make happier games, or at least games that don't make me feel depressed too. I have no intention on dropping MAL:CHR ever because despite everything, I just love my OCs.

Six from Hachamecha Marchen is sorta like. My little baby 5ever. Because I want to completely redo Hachamecha Marchen. Honestly I want to unlist it but I won't because I know I have people who like the game. Aside from the fact that I think the gameplay is lame and buggy and stinks of poo, the game was really bad on my mental state. Of course I already HAD a bad mental state, but Hachamecha Marchen was a total projection. I feel bad now, because I saw people concerned over me. But it was truly just how I thought things would go for me. I'm really scared of birthdays and turning 18 next year was terrifying. Genuinely, I had thought I would kill myself next year. And all working on that game did was make me wallow in my own depression and enforce that idea in my head.
I like Mateo despite everything, I just wish I had a happier time working on him.

TL:DR: Hachamecha Marchen lowkey soiled my interest in MAL:CHR because it lowkey made me want to kill myself, and since a lot of MAL:CHR characters deal with topics of suicide, it just made me realize that a lot of these characters, while I did use to cope with my circumstances in the past, just kinda made a feedback loop of making myself feel worse.

I want to make games and characters that don't make me feel like shit, basically. Which might mean I rework a LOT of MAL:CHR characters. Also, I want to make MAL:CHR something for myself again, since I got caught up in feeling like I had to continue it for the people who followed me. Maybe I'll even rebrand the name, lol.

Jan to April was like. Hell on earth. Honestly May too. Those months I went through so many episodes and had so much shit going on like my fuckass house deciding to explode, the financial issues, relationship issues, yadayada...

After making Hachamecha Marchen, I decided that Well if I'm going to die next year anyways I might as well do some fun stuff before that. And that's why I ended up going into streaming and video creation, yada yada...

After being unable to find any SMPs I was interested in, I kinda went Fuck it We Ball and made PARAPOP TV, also inspired by my desire to be in a VTuber group previously. I just wanted to do stuff before the next year. Writing this now, I (again) feel bad because I wasn't thinking about what would've happened to the group post-birthday, but then again, I think a part of me, yknow, didn't want to kill myself. I dunno if I even would've but at the time it felt pretty life-or-death to me.

Making PARAPOP TV and by proxy, Parasmp and the trials has been one of the best decision of my life. Right behind getting into pokemon. Everyone I had met has been so lovely and reminder, I basically have no IRL friends because I don't go outside BECAUSE of my mental problems -> worse mental problems. So meeting people I actually talked to pretty frequently has been literally amazing. Meeting new people has been amazing. Trials was genuinely so fun despite the problems I know of. I loved talking to everyone, even if we didn't talk again afterwards.

Doing this also encouraged me to get into Minecraft events. My first ever one was because of someone in trials telling me to join. It also got me into civilization events which I decided to join. I still wish I applied for statesmp 2.7. I didn't because I was a BUM thinking "oh i'd never have a chance" which. I still think I wouldn't have gotten in LOL but I wish I at leasted tried! That kinda motivated me to go apply for a different civ events, where I met a lot of lovely people and that kinda spiraled into me getting into more events surprisingly.

Luctoria was a genuine pleasure to be in, mostly for the people. I made so many friends through Luctoria and spoke to so many people. For once I didn't feel like I was about to breakdown crying talking to people! It also got me out of my art block and really made me re-evaluate my priorities.

For the longest time, I thought I was a little cooked ngl. I thought I wouldn't ever be able to make any real friendships nor would I ever get my problems to a tolerable level. But thinking now, I hadn't even thought about hating my life for forever now. It never really crossed my mind. Of course I still had pretty shitty days every now and then, what can you do? I don't think I'll ever be """"cured"""" of my disorders so it's inevitable, but I haven't had a major episode since the horrors of April.

I'm so grateful to everyone I met this year, I love you all! I hope everything gets a bit nicer for us all in 2026.
Let's all have fun together.

If you're worried about me, don't worry too much. I have higher priorities now, like watching the next sonic movie. Seriously. I'm a big metal sonic fan, and I'll be genuinely so sad if I die before that. Or before the next mainline silver game drops.
Besides, as I said, this was back in April-May. I haven't felt like this nor even thought about it in a while. This obviously isn't EVERYTHING that happened this year, so like be mindful if you are going to worry about me. There's a lot I'm not gonna talk about because wtf its my life I can omit shit if I want LOL. Not everything is black and white, which is funny coming from me of all people. The guy who thought if I couldn't make my life better by being crazy successful and rich within 1 year then I had to die. Well I guess that means I had to learn it then, no?

This feels a liiiittle embarrassing to mention, but another thing that helped me was JamieP's songs...
Cadmium Colors and Clouddrop are genuinely so heartbreaking!!! And reading the story behind it too!!

Anyways this blog post long as hell... Happy new years everyone.
Thank you to everyone I've spoken to ever this year. I love you all :]

TL:DR: happy new years, never kill yourself

live REAL zenoslots depiction (aka the guy whos name starts with a v)

honestly you should've let me do it instead, not him

Apologies for the late blog post...

Hachamecha Marchen has been updated!
Includes: Bug fixes, 2 extra CGs, and some new + reworked dialogue!
Play HERE!

The youtube stream crashed... (◞‸◟；)
But twitch went on for 2 and a half hours!
During the 3 10 minute break periods, we finished this quick drawing of Redbud in the Gogh avatar!

It's my birthday today! I'm 17!

April 23 is Mattias Grimsley's birthday!

HACHAMECHA MARCHEN has been released for the 2025 RPGmaker jam!
A psychological horror with metagame elements following a strangely boring card game.

Mateo

It's not actually April Fools for me yet Um.
But to account for timezones, the website has been goofed up for APRIL FOOLS!!!!!



PLEASE ENJOY AND BE SILLY!!!!!!!!!!

ok so a bit ago i reaaaally wanted to doodle a yuma synth v design so i did! but i think ive gotten emotionally attached to him. I have a deep parasocial relationship with him and will be drawing him a lot. I apologize.

He also procrastinates on his 20 page essays.

Don't resent anyone but me.

I kept forgetting to post these, sorry!

I played the main story of Wonderend 0!
I'll finish the secret ending later today.

I was skeptical at first, but I actually really enjoyed it in the end. The bosses were SUPER hard though... I was stuck on them for a while especially NULL. I hate you NULL.

I really liked Alan! And the story overall... In fact, it's kinda similar to STTN, so I enjoyed it... because obviously I'd like something similar to my own story haha.

The visuals were really cool actually. It was cute but also a bit spooky. I don't wanna spoil anything but too big but WOW!!! I was. Not expecting that in the Ending. Well I kinda guessed it in like Night 2 but I didn't think it would be SHOWN. But honestly I'm glad they didn't cut to a black screen. It made it 10x more scary!!! Props to them!!

Please heed the warnings of the game!
It really does not play about it lol.

The intro was a little tedious and confusing, and the boss battles were. Irritating sometimes. But I liked it over all. A surprisingly nice game.
I played it in one sitting starting at 11pm to 5am but I suggest you take breaks because Goodness... Those bosses...

This is me, if you even care...

This was for my final art class project. I made 3 illustration concepts and 3 concepting pages, but i'll just show two of the concepts.

My snow miku design! Choco Crois(sant)smile!

It's a bit silly, but I like it a lot. Don't think it fits the theme too much and I doubt it's that good but I did this for fun!

Here was the concept art for it. You can see that the chocolate theme was not intentional at first...

version 2

Accidentally made a banger post can they blow up my art next :(

You'll see some of these things real soon.

New year new kieran

I've been too demotivated to update this site or instagram, sorry!

Look i wasnt gonna come back but guess who needs money cuz of an abrupt financial situation....

if you'd like to commission me, all of my comms are once again open here.

if you'd like to just support me, you can indeed use my ko-fi but i dont wanna sound like a loser here!