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name:
pronouns:	no prns/they/hymn
birthday:	04/30/2008
site opening:	10/17/2024
site name:	404heart

hi i would like to not be referred to as anything at all

⚠︎ the site may contain content of mental illness.

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I feel so stupid all the time i hate it. im not going to rebrand. i completely backtracked. i don't think i'll ever be happy even if i try so hard to feel hopeful. i need to just stick with something. i don't know what i'll do for right now. i'll be disabling comments and such on social media because i feel so idiotic and embarrassed.

the whole thing was to feel more comfortable being myself online. but i cant just not worry about how people are percieving me. to me, i havent grown at all. im less than two years away from being an adult but i feel like i lost so much of my childhood that now all i do is act like a baby. i know i act childish and it makes me feel safe, but i know people judge that. i wish i had people in my immediate life that would understand that this is my way of seeking comfort.

unforunately it seems like i'll go back to shutting myself away from people.

on the other news, i updated the website. thanks for visiting.
i love everyone who supports me or even reads these posts. i love you.

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I always talk about how much I wish I could rebrand or change my name because I feel so disconnected with the names I use. I think I seem like I don't know why I can't feel like my online identity, but I do really know why deep down.

My identity as an artist is always seperated from my personal self. I'm scared of being open online because people can use the things I suffer with against me, and I don't want to make friends because I'm afraid of being abandoned.
I don't want people to know about me so they'll stay away and I can't be hurt.

Recently I've been a lot more talkative. It makes me happy to share things about myself with people. But my online identity is meant to be very distant, so there's dissonance between how I behave and how I perceive my identity.
Does that make sense? Probably not. I can't figure out if this is just a bpd issue or just a normal thing. even mentioning my bpd right there makes me feel both relieved and sick to my stomach.

I don't know what the right answer is. I don't want to be alone and I want to talk to people, but I can't stand this feeling. It's irritating and drives me mad. So I don't know if I'll rebrand or not.

I think even if I did, I think the whole thing would repeat. I'll rebrand to distance myself and over time wish to talk more, and then the feeling will come back.

sorry if i don't post a lot for now i want to figure out what i want

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its funny how i have two characters name kieran that i really like!

im really liking kieran. i never played pokemon sv but i did watch rtgame play... the base game, not dlcs.
Ive only now started to look into kieran, and now i really wished i bought pokemon sv and not arceus...

arceus is a fun game, dont get me wrong...!!
its just not my taste character wise which is my main motivation for playing games.
I like volo A LOT but thats kinda it.
plus i know the story so its a bit boring playing through...

art by @SD__BN__ (twt)

i love you my 14(?) year old with autism and undiagnosed bpd.

the other kieran i love is kieran valentine.
i almost named myself kieran! i wish i did.
but i was too scared im not boyish enough to have a name like. oh well.

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A prize for an art raffle i held on bsky!

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recently the last few weeks have been agonizing. i've been feeling so horrible mentally and i don't think things would get any better. it's hard to get out of bed. the past few weeks ive only eaten one meal in a day, occasionally. im still taking my medications but they arent working. i can still feel every single thing. i try to keep myself positive but i hate every single thing in my life.

im excited for the sonic 3 movie

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Today is Elodie's birthday...!

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usage for free

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I remade my commission info finally. I deleted the lined artworks because it made my comms look unclean.
I also updated my portfolio carrd to include commission info!

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It's almost halloween!

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the potoo is my favorite bird. its so cute and even a bit regal in a way. i dont like it when people insult the potoo but its okay because the potoo will still be the potoo regardless of whether or not people like it.

if i was a bird, i probably wouldn't be a potoo. unfortunate.
im not sure what id be yet.
probably a type of songbird. a red one too, because where i live occasionally i see a bright red bird. im pretty sure its a scarlet tanager.

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Today is Cecill's birthday...!

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Fanillust of my favorite character of "Welcome to the Yandere Cafe," Haruto...!!

The manga's first few chapters are translated, but unfortunately not any further than that...
Regardless, I'm a big fan.

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⛓️ MAD LAB PARTY 🎭

The "Jack-O-Killer" is known for its gruesome halloween crime scenes.
Problem? You're the killer.
And you KNEW you didn't leave their bodies like that.

A short Not-So-Serious VN for free on itch.io for Spooktober 2024.